Rocket Man

A man, identified by several different names, has been given top honors for the most ludicrous human projectile stunt in history. The poor bastard received a nomination from the Darwin Awards; the prominent honor that is given to people (posthumously of course) who do the gene pool a favor by permanently removing themselves in the most absurd and stupid fashion.

Motorists notified the Arizona Highway Patrol about some mysterious parched and blackened marks that appeared on a stretch of an isolated highway. Officers arrived on the scene to check out the damage however, the more clues they found, the more bizarre the case became. Eventually they decided that a full on investigation was needed if they wanted to piece this baby together. They pieced together the following:

JATO units consist of rocket fuel that is stored in large containers. This type of fuel is used to help lift gig transports into the air from rough ground or short runways. It is also used to help boost or shoot overloaded planes from the deck of small aircraft carriers. This powerful stuff is NOT used for personal purposes like enhancing the boost factor of a 1967 Chevy Impala. Apparently, “Rocket” didn’t know that when he decided to hook one up to his car.

Rocket took his time identifying the perfect highway making sure it was a nice long, straight stretch, in good condition and free of frequent users, ignoring the fact that he may need more than five miles of launch ground and overlooking the gentle rise on a sloping turn. Rocket kicked the tires, lit the fire and ran that car up to top cruising speed and then lit the ignition. Judging by the extended marks of scorched asphalt, investigators were able to pin down exactly where Rocket lit the JATO.

Investigating Engineers on the scene estimated that Rocket hit maximum speed within five seconds punching the car up to over 350 mph and counting a full burn for another 20 to 25 seconds. About 2.5 miles into the sprint, the human hydro-shock stood on the brakes melting them entirely, blowing the tires and diminishing them to liquefied stains on the pavement.

Remember that gentle rise on the turning slope? Yeah well, this is where Rocket completed his attempted land speed record and went for airborne honors. Rocket reached an amazing altitude of 125 feet and was still climbing when his flight was interrupted. I wonder just how far and how high he would have gone but we’ll never know thanks to that cliff of solid rock that got in the way. Not to mention the laws of physics that prohibits two solid forms occupying the same space at the same time.

Rocket man gave that cliff hell though; blasting a 3 foot crater into its face. Forensic analysts were able to identify the make, model and year of the vehicle. As for Rocket, only minor fragments of bone, teeth and hair embedded in the back of the crater were found plus the splinter of fingernails implanted into what they believe is a piece of the steering wheel.

And men call women bad drivers. Although I have to confess, this never really happened. HAHA