The Poop Lady

Layla decided one year that my brother Tony and I would take a two week vacation and visit Tony’s dad in Eureka. I was down to go; I hadn’t seen my step-dad in a while and I thought it would be good for me to get away.

Tony didn’t live with Layla, HazMat guy and me; instead he lived with his father, Matt. I was three when Layla met Matt and six when they divorced. Then she married some crazy freak – the HazMat guy. That’s another story all together and I won’t embarrass my mother like that so don’t ask me about it.

Tony would always take the Grey Hound bus whenever he came for a visit. Still to this day, I can smell the bus station with its urine soaked walls and the infamous San Francisco bums sleeping on every bench. It was a dastardly place and I hated traveling there to pick him up.

Layla took Tony and me to the bus station and the first incident took place when we went to get our tickets. The ticket master had an attitude right from the start. Tony and I had a confirmation number from when Layla purchased the tickets over the phone. The jerk kept telling us that the confirmation number didn’t exist. He was so frustrated with us and I remember being called “trouble makers”. The manager finally came along and pointed out that he was in the wrong screen; the jerk was typing the confirmation number into the ticket line. The guy never apologized but I made sure I put my two cents in by telling him what a little bitch he was and that he needs to crawl back up his mother’s ass and come out the right way. Of course that goes without saying that I got a, “Bella! You shut your mouth, girl!” from Layla.

Tony and I sat down on the dirty smelly chairs. We sat there making fun of everyone walking by. Layla had a few laughs. I went into the ladies bathroom and I remember hearing this one old Asian woman having a tough time with the number two deed; sounded like a case of the runs. I tried like hell to stifle my laugh and I finished my business as fast as I could. As I was washing my hands, she came out of the bathroom stall. I hurried out the door. I couldn’t wait to tell Tony.

Tony: Are you talking about this lady coming out right now?

Me: Yeah, that’s her. Holy shit, Tony, look.

Tony: What is that?

Me: It’s the toilet paper hanging out from the back of her pants.

We both started laughing hysterically.

Layla: Both of you shut up. That poor lady, don’t embarrass her.

Me: Oh fuck, Tony! Look, look!

Tony: No she’s not, no she’s not.

Me: Oh yes she is. Oh yes she is.

All: OH MY GOD! OOOOHHHHHH! EEEEEWWWW!!!! GROSS!!!!!!

I start gagging, Tony’s laughing his ass off and Layla’s got her face buried in her hands.

The lady saw the toilet paper between her legs dragging on the ground, she reached between her legs and it slid out of her back pants. Then she wadded it up and blew her nose in it and stuffed it in her pocket.

Tomorrow I’ll tell you what happened during the bus ride to Eureka.